A fearless, moral inventory of ourselves…

Yesterday I had yet another breakthrough with my sponsor. After completing step 4 “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” we started steps 5, 6 and I completed 7 on my own in private.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

As I started step 5, I had all the info on the page from step 4. My resentments, fears and people I have harmed. I felt good about and I have not been afraid of this step at all. I felt, at the time, that I was always open and honest and that I am an open book. We stepped through the resentments, my fears. Smooth sailing, considering what was coming. We made it through my list of people I have harmed and after the last line, something came over me. I cannot explain it, nor will I try. To try would only highlight my limitations and diminish the moment. In the following moments, I found myself releasing information that I had pushed so far down that even I had forgotten about it during my own “honest” and “fearless” personal inventory. The pain, the embarrassment, the regret, the utter feeling of loss and hopelessness that followed was so overwhelming I sobbed. I sobbed in such an uncontrollable way it was as if I had just lost the love of my love, watched a loved one die, hurt someone beyond all comprehension. It was as if all of these things happened, because…they had. I admitted to things I had never told another human being. I released it all ( as much as I am aware of ). So much that my sponsor joined me on this emotional release and together, we walked through it all. We came out the other side and I was spent, exhausted.

I came home and once I completed the 7th step. I fell asleep. I was spent. I hope this finds you well. I hope you have a great day, I know I will.